I need a typewriter in my head – I have so much that flows and pulses in my mind, stewing away. And the moment I have enough time to sit down and let it all out, it’s gone. I’ve made myself too busy too fast, feeling burnt out and flat. But right now, I feel its infinitely better to be busy and not have time to stop and mull. There’s so much in this world to be angsty and frustrated with, even if it doesn’t directly relate to you.
Losing motivation to post. I’m going through a rapid cycling of highs and lows. On Monday I was bubbly and happy as I’ve ever been. Tuesday I was lower than I remember feeling for months and months. Today I got the bloody best of both worlds; bubbly talking too much one moment, feeling as crap as ever the next.
Maybe I am really sick.
Dealing with depression for me is half about focusing on things that make me passionate, about feeling like I can play a part by raising awareness of the shit that goes on in the world. But of course speaking out leads to one of two things; the first thing isn’t nearly as bad, because you kind of expect people to think differently to you in the world. It’s sad, it’s frustrating but it’s life and we can only live true to what we feel is truth.
But the second is soul crushing. Only one other thing has upset me as much in the past few days, but being told that your passion, that speaking out is a bad thing? That someone is made uncomfortable by the way you chose to live your life when they don’t even know you… that makes my heart ache. It makes me so angry. But interestingly, it gave me a brief moment of self pride. I AM proud that I am outspoken, that it puts people out but maybe makes people think even if just for a split second. And I am content enough in myself of that, while it hurts to have someone say they dislike a factor that you feel is at the very core of you, you just want to throw that back in their faces and say ‘well fuck you then, I didn’t ask you to be present or a judge in my life!’. I’m ok with being a passionate person. I know it’s super easy to be passionate but hypocritical at the same time, and I know I’m guilty of that. But I also know in myself that by being passionate, I also challenge myself to live to a better standard and to think about the implications of my actions. I do try and live my life with love even towards those I disagree with, but this has got me so worked up that I can’t manage anything less than a plain old ‘fuck you’.
And then there’s the soul crusher. The feeling that someone who you so want to have a wonderful close and loving friendship with suddenly hates you. The feeling where part of you hates yourself for not wording yourself better, but that niggling itch where you HATE that they could have done more too. Even the thought of that situation is making me burst into tears. And all the while I’m getting little bursts of optimism and passion and bubbliness… and then that deep dark low again.
I can’t help but load myself up on drugs right now. Valdoxan, but popping a Valium once a day, a glass of wine and even a cigarette the other day… all because I’m so over this rollercoaster, over being completely out of control and feeling more and more like I’d prefer not to be feeling anything at all. I worry that I’m slipping into the bipolar tendencies that I feared I had many moons ago.
And tell me. How does one actually ask for help, when help costs hundreds of dollars, and those around you who don’t ask for payment still just seem to not quite get it.
I feel so, so alone even with friends around.