Climbing out of one hole to trip and fall into the next.

Climbing out of one hole to trip and fall into the next.

This link. 

How is it even possible that I could be hit with this so fast.  Fuck celebrating my degree.  Who gives a toss, I don’t believe it will mean my life from here on will be better off.  I thought I’d feel free.  I just feel useless.


The rest of my life

The night before my final exam of my degree. I feel as wound up as a kid the night before Christmas. I feel like everything’s going to be different at this time tomorrow.

I resent so much that having this crappy illness has reduced what I’ve achieved while being at uni. I actually enjoyed studying this semester, and I’m not sure if that’s a result of the drugs working or just because I knew this was my last semester. I wonder whether I might have gone down another path had I been well, whether I could have gone on to achieve more. But mostly I’m scared that it will push me into having to make choices that are less than ideal.

Anyway. Onwards and upwards, I hope.

Who I am.

How pathetic.  I was going to post something trivial on FB asking for advice on which colour shoe to go with.  And then I realised… I actually think posting mundane narcissistic crap like that on FB is a worse sin than posting about things you are passionate about, or feel justifiable anger about.  And then I got mad thinking about the fact that I was second guessing myself about posting a status like that, just in case someone decided that they could judge me as a superficial shoe freak based on one FB post.

Really silly.  Just the fact that I stew so much over stuff like this is silly.

More about me

I came to a really interesting conclusion the other day – it seems I can only focus angst on one person at a time. Post-‘Facebook ridiculousness’, I had to go to an event where the petty acquaintance would be present (let’s call him Tom). And just to make it really interesting, the one other person I try to avoid like the plague was also to be there. I was faced with an interesting prospect – if it came down to it, would I prefer to have to hang around ‘Tom’ or the long standing individual of avoidance? It occurred to me that I could tolerate and perhaps even find some enjoyment in the presence of the latter individual if it meant steering clear of the new object of my displeasure. Which was actually a huge revelation to me, seeing as the long term annoyance was quite possibly the major trigger for my most severe period of depression.

Now I agree with you if you happen to be thinking this is a bit bizarre, and perhaps juvenile. But at the same time it was reassuring. ‘Tom’ in his mission to alert me that I was living my life wrong, made me question myself on a much deeper level than he intended. I questioned my beliefs, he made me question whether I should voice my opinion or censor myself altogether. I questioned whether I was actually a good person, or whether I’ve moulded myself to be someone I don’t want to be. But the fact that I can’t really stew or be angry at more than one person at a time even despite having had such strong aversions to another person.. Well I feel like it says that there is only so much room in my heart for these feelings. That I know myself to be a loving person, but in feeling bitterness it does not consume me. ‘Tom’ tried to tell me I was judgmental, that I clearly hate the world and people (because he’s seen me post dozens of negative FB status’ recently… Of which he could name 2 in the last several months). I’ll concede that I am passionate which presents as strong emotion be it happiness or anger, but I am not hateful. I am not judgmental. My compassion reaches far beyond the times when I am hateful or angry, but those feelings are not all of me.

And as a snide aside, I would never be so petty or cruel as to make huge personal judgments on someone I am merely acquainted with, and have the nerve to inform them of how terrible they are and how they ought to change.

The difference between depression and sadness

So, uh.  Hi! I havent posted here for awhile.  That probably comes down to the fact that I vent to survive.  My head is such a busy place, that when it all gets too much I have to write it down somewhere or risk imploding.  So my absence from posting is actually not altogether a bad thing…

The current drug seems to be the magic one… just about the most expensive one available and not on the PBS.  But I can deal with that if it gives me back my life.  And it has a bit.

It’s interesting to compare true feelings of depression (that I know well) and genuine turmoil and sadness.

I created a whole lot of hoo-hah on Facebook unintentionally a few days ago.  As a result, and despite apologies, I know have found out that clearly on Facebook ‘friends’ is a pretty loose term.  Despite encouragement from people that I know genuinely love me, who accept that I am human and say stupid stuff on Facebook more than I should, I feel deeply hurt by the passive aggressive bitchyness and pettiness that it all lead to.  

Its worth noting that I’ve seen Facebook’s darker side, how easily things can be misconstrued, misinterpreted or used by people who were never your friends in the first place.  As a result you can expect to see a whole lot less of me venting there.  Unfortunately for anyone still reading this it means you’re going to see me venting for the sake of my own sanity.  

On the plus side, I am feeling the very definite difference between depression and hurt.  While depression is this ongoing, completely irrational feeling which focuses on little things to try and present itself as rational, I know that it’s pretty normal to feel upset the way I do right now.  Its still a struggle, I so want to go into hibernation, or to be able to control my circumstances.  It is so so hard to say that you’ve done all that you can, it’s still not enough and therefore you just have to let it go.  

I pathetically want to think everyone likes me.  I mean it sincerely when I say I never set out to hurt anyone  and so when I do and people see it as malicious, it eats away at me.  That’s not me, its not who I want to be.  I don’t think I entirely deserved the comment subsequently made about me, and perhaps the people who said them don’t realise how deeply those words affect me.  Which then kind of makes the attack on me, that I should be more careful of what I say a bit silly.  I can guarantee that I’m going to be feeling pretty shit about myself for the next few days at least.

I think it’s important that people stir the pot, that we don’t get too comfortable with the status quo.  But I dont set out to hurt people, because I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone.

Where I’m at

Another exam period down (sort of).  I’ve been quiet partly because I’ve been trying to study, but also because these drugs are being sugar pills for me right now.  Feeling in the depths.  Weird sort of depth because I have absolutely no desire to write about it.  Just feels fraudulent.  But I’m here. Hopefully changing meds on Tuesday.  But until then I have life chores to attend to… work, babysitting, a 21st.  And I know I’m not good right now, because I would unequivocally prefer to be at home on the couch