Just me again

Well. I think I might have to start writing this blog again. I’m starting to suspect that all my ‘treatment’ up til this point has been a bandaid solution on a open wound.

But to be honest, it all feels rather pointless. If this were ‘The Sims’, I would decide my character was beyond redemption and so I’d place them in a ladder-less pool and create a new sim from scratch. But real life isn’t a computer game. You can’t go back to a previously saved point. I am who I am, along with all the consequences of being the kind of person I never wanted to be. That really sucks. If I was at all brave, I think I would have ended this long ago.

And now, after finding that I can’t trust the person I’ve been spilling my guts to the last five years, I have to find the motivation to search for a new psych. And at the same time, I need to somehow decide whether I can move out of home, whether Leo and I can and should make a serious long term commitment.

I’m just so lost. There’s probably a life jacket over the next breaking wave, but it seems to me to be much more likely that I’ll keep floating on or sink.

Like I said. I’m not brave enough. But right now, I can completely understand how people can come to the conclusion that their loved ones (and their entire community) might be better off without them.