I don’t know how to write this post. All I know is that I’m doing myself damage, seeing all the names and faces on Facebook and feeling desperately alone.
Sometimes it’s hard to untangle emotions, and whether the threads lead back to your depression or back to the heart of who you are. I woke up this morning feeling like nothing, like I wanted to fade away. I’m struggling to figure out why exactly, but it seems likely that I’m doing the same old thing I’ve always done. I don’t have an outline of who I want to be, or what I should measure myself against and as I result I measure my whole world against everyone else. So when I saw cute messages between a friend and her fiance, messages from another friend about her wedding, And on top of that, I have to see a number of people today who remind me of when I have been at my worst. People who have made it clear that they don’t like me (because I post too passionately and irrationally on FB… yep) and other people who let me down when I needed them most, and therefore being part of the trigger that sent me into my first serious depressive episode.
I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to achieve by posting today… I think I just need to write and not stew. I’m not all I hoped I would be; I’m not as mature, or as strong, as secure or as in love as I thought I would be at age 23. I don’t have real set goals or plans, or even any small steps forward, like buying a house, moving out or getting engaged, that I have to look forward to. I feel flat, like everyone around who are doing all these things are sitting back and judging me. But perhaps the only one who is really judging me is… well… me.
I have this cool app on Facebook, called ‘God wants you to know’. Every few days I get a message of support, and today’s was titled ‘ no one can make you feel inferior without your consent ‘.
The message went like this – You have to agree that you are less and that someone else is more to feel inferior. If you don’t agree, you can not possibly feel inferior. You might know something less, or you might be able to do something less, but you ARE unique and hence simply incomparable. Do not buy into being reduced to an object of comparison.
It’s pretty safe to say that I’m feeling inferior today. And that I’ll be the only one thinking about that today – I think its pretty likely that the people I have to see today won’t even be thinking twice about me. I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I don’t know how to pull myself out either. How do you build a framework for yourself where you’ve never really had one before? How do I determine whether I’m where I want to be, whether I’m happy, whether I’m satisfied when I’ve lived my whole life using everyone else as a guideline?
I’m so worried I won’t hold it together today.