Something about something

I don’t know how to write this post.  All I know is that I’m doing myself damage, seeing all the names and faces on Facebook and feeling desperately alone.

Sometimes it’s hard to untangle emotions, and whether the threads lead back to your depression or back to the heart of who you are.  I woke up this morning feeling like nothing, like I wanted to fade away.  I’m struggling to figure out why exactly, but it seems likely that I’m doing the same old thing I’ve always done.  I don’t have an outline of who I want to be, or what I should measure myself against and as I result I measure my whole world against everyone else.  So when I saw cute messages between a friend and her fiance, messages from another friend about her wedding, And on top of that, I have to see a number of people today who remind me of when I have been at my worst.  People who have made it clear that they don’t like me (because I post too passionately and irrationally on FB… yep) and other people who let me down when I needed them most, and therefore being part of the trigger that sent me into my first serious depressive episode.

I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to achieve by posting today… I think I just need to write and not stew. I’m not all I hoped I would be; I’m not as mature, or as strong, as secure or as in love as I thought I would be at age 23.  I don’t have real set goals or plans, or even any small steps forward, like buying a house, moving out or getting engaged, that I have to look forward to.  I feel flat, like everyone around who are doing all these things are sitting back and judging me.  But perhaps the only one who is really judging me is… well… me.

I have this cool app on Facebook, called ‘God wants you to know’.  Every few days I get a message of support, and today’s was titled ‘ no one can make you feel inferior without your consent ‘.  

The message went like this – You have to agree that you are less and that someone else is more to feel inferior. If you don’t agree, you can not possibly feel inferior. You might know something less, or you might be able to do something less, but you ARE unique and hence simply incomparable. Do not buy into being reduced to an object of comparison.

It’s pretty safe to say that I’m feeling inferior today.  And that I’ll be the only one thinking about that today – I think its pretty likely that the people I have to see today won’t even be thinking twice about me.  I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I don’t know how to pull myself out either.  How do you build a framework for yourself where you’ve never really had one before?  How do I determine whether I’m where I want to be, whether I’m happy, whether I’m satisfied when I’ve lived my whole life using everyone else as a guideline?

I’m so worried I won’t hold it together today. 

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Learning me

I’m a useless blogger on the good times, which is why it’s actually not a bad thing that I haven’t blogged in months.

Pills can help, perhaps they are best for allowing you the brain space to actually analyze the world and the way you interact with it in a rational way. Getting that time to assess what lifts you up, what makes you happy and helps you focus on those things. But I also believe it allows you to consider what triggers you and the importance of working through that.

My family life is good, but not perfect. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly blessed. I’ve grown up wanting for nothing, in a nice house in a good neighborhood. I haven’t had everything bought for me, I’ve had to learn to save up for things and value money and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But, no duh Hayley, money and security aren’t what defines a persons life.

The truth is, my relationship with my father has never been right. My parents had to use a sperm donor to conceive, but I’m not convinced the problems started after they told me he wasn’t biologically related to me. My family, particularly my paternal grandmother often tell me he was smitten with me as a child. That he’d come home from work and spend the rest of the evening with me. I remember him reading us books, and making stupid dad jokes and embarrassing us. But I have never been ‘daddy’s little girl’ – I don’t ever recall feeling like he was my protector, my role model or my guide as to what I should be looking for in men. In fact, I’ve actively tried to find men who are not like him. Frustratingly, Leo is far more like him than I would like.

He said that he was proud of me, about 2 months ago. It was the most fatherly thing I think I’ve heard him say… Possibly ever. But even when he has tried to be ‘fatherly’, it all feels a bit too little, too late.

I don’t believe that a father should swear at his child, but that seems to be a regular occurrence when we argue. In the past, just a few harsh words and his anger would have been enough to send me into meltdown. Running into my room to hide under the covers, feeling like I would rather be anywhere. Maybe even dead.

Perhaps my biggest secret, is that I don’t think I want him to walk me down the aisle, if that ever happens. It would feel so fake, so fraudulent. My life, all safe and secure, is really such a mess that I’m not sure which way is up and which way’s down.

Tonight, another little tiff. Swearing. But I didn’t go into meltdown. But I know I could have. There’s so much there that I know needs to be worked on, but do I even want to?

I guess the point is, something’s gotta give. Either I let this always be a trigger, or I make a change. Either I get the issue fixed, or at the very least I learn to stop it eating my brain away when it happens.