So, uh. Hi! I havent posted here for awhile. That probably comes down to the fact that I vent to survive. My head is such a busy place, that when it all gets too much I have to write it down somewhere or risk imploding. So my absence from posting is actually not altogether a bad thing…
The current drug seems to be the magic one… just about the most expensive one available and not on the PBS. But I can deal with that if it gives me back my life. And it has a bit.
It’s interesting to compare true feelings of depression (that I know well) and genuine turmoil and sadness.
I created a whole lot of hoo-hah on Facebook unintentionally a few days ago. As a result, and despite apologies, I know have found out that clearly on Facebook ‘friends’ is a pretty loose term. Despite encouragement from people that I know genuinely love me, who accept that I am human and say stupid stuff on Facebook more than I should, I feel deeply hurt by the passive aggressive bitchyness and pettiness that it all lead to.
Its worth noting that I’ve seen Facebook’s darker side, how easily things can be misconstrued, misinterpreted or used by people who were never your friends in the first place. As a result you can expect to see a whole lot less of me venting there. Unfortunately for anyone still reading this it means you’re going to see me venting for the sake of my own sanity.
On the plus side, I am feeling the very definite difference between depression and hurt. While depression is this ongoing, completely irrational feeling which focuses on little things to try and present itself as rational, I know that it’s pretty normal to feel upset the way I do right now. Its still a struggle, I so want to go into hibernation, or to be able to control my circumstances. It is so so hard to say that you’ve done all that you can, it’s still not enough and therefore you just have to let it go.
I pathetically want to think everyone likes me. I mean it sincerely when I say I never set out to hurt anyone and so when I do and people see it as malicious, it eats away at me. That’s not me, its not who I want to be. I don’t think I entirely deserved the comment subsequently made about me, and perhaps the people who said them don’t realise how deeply those words affect me. Which then kind of makes the attack on me, that I should be more careful of what I say a bit silly. I can guarantee that I’m going to be feeling pretty shit about myself for the next few days at least.
I think it’s important that people stir the pot, that we don’t get too comfortable with the status quo. But I dont set out to hurt people, because I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone.