I’m still here

I’m still not convinced that I haven’t just talked myself into ‘depression’, that it isn’t my sick excuse for being a lazy slob.  I watched a dozen or so of my uni mates graduate last night, and it still feels light years away for me.  I can’t imagine finishing this hell that is lack of motivation and self hatred for my academic record.  And I know that even when I DO get there, I’m going to be disappointed in myself for only scraping through.  I don’t deserve a Bachelor degree, and I feel shitty for the fact that it is ‘only’ a Bachelor degree when I so want the proof that I’m capable with an Honours degree.

I’m also on hiatus from Facebook; one of my biggest time wasters and certainly a culmination of negative energy.  I’m actually considering letting it be deleted if I leave it deactivated long enough… it’s a scary thought though.  No ones asked where my profiles disappeared to.  I suppose the way you find out who your true friends are is by seeing who takes the time to keep in contact and notices your absence.

I feel like a fraud… I still laugh, I whistle, I get a weird childish buzz from watching this video.

And then I feel guilty for feeling happy.  I can’t claim I have depression and struggle the way I do and then have the tenacity to be happy when no ones watching.  

I need an output jack on my skull, so that an expert can connect a cord to my brain, read all my thoughts and tell me whether I’m the psychopath I think I am, or just the selfish self-pitying bitch that I fear I am.


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