Another exam period down (sort of). I’ve been quiet partly because I’ve been trying to study, but also because these drugs are being sugar pills for me right now. Feeling in the depths. Weird sort of depth because I have absolutely no desire to write about it. Just feels fraudulent. But I’m here. Hopefully changing meds on Tuesday. But until then I have life chores to attend to… work, babysitting, a 21st. And I know I’m not good right now, because I would unequivocally prefer to be at home on the couch
I’m still not convinced that I haven’t just talked myself into ‘depression’, that it isn’t my sick excuse for being a lazy slob. I watched a dozen or so of my uni mates graduate last night, and it still feels light years away for me. I can’t imagine finishing this hell that is lack of motivation and self hatred for my academic record. And I know that even when I DO get there, I’m going to be disappointed in myself for only scraping through. I don’t deserve a Bachelor degree, and I feel shitty for the fact that it is ‘only’ a Bachelor degree when I so want the proof that I’m capable with an Honours degree.
I’m also on hiatus from Facebook; one of my biggest time wasters and certainly a culmination of negative energy. I’m actually considering letting it be deleted if I leave it deactivated long enough… it’s a scary thought though. No ones asked where my profiles disappeared to. I suppose the way you find out who your true friends are is by seeing who takes the time to keep in contact and notices your absence.
I feel like a fraud… I still laugh, I whistle, I get a weird childish buzz from watching this video.
And then I feel guilty for feeling happy. I can’t claim I have depression and struggle the way I do and then have the tenacity to be happy when no ones watching.
I need an output jack on my skull, so that an expert can connect a cord to my brain, read all my thoughts and tell me whether I’m the psychopath I think I am, or just the selfish self-pitying bitch that I fear I am.