Now comes the tricky part. What’s depression, what’s the drugs, and what’s me.
I’m one of those annoying people who never had to study very hard at high school to get by, and often ‘getting by’ meant ‘doing well above average’. I know that kind of makes me a bastard, but please don’t envy me, because if anything this particular trait of mine has only caused me harm
You see, here I am, sitting in my bed at 12.20 am AEST, with now TWO assignments (long essays) that I have had to apply for special consideration for. I know I know I actually have an illness which makes me eligible for spec. con. but that doesn’t take away the guilt and the shame factor. I feel so under the pump trying to get it done AND it’s over the official deadline so I feel completely un-entitled to ask for help from the lecturers. ‘You got yourself into this mess Hayley, so be it’
But the real problem is this; I actually do not know how to study. Honestly I’ve had 2 extra weeks for this particular essay, and I still am struggling to get the reading done so I know what to write on!! I CHRONICALLY leave things to the last minute and there’s no question that this is part of the reason why my uni grades have been nothing like my previous ‘top 10% of the state’ without even really trying/having undiagnosed depression marks… it’s a different ball game altogether, and it’s like I rocked up with a tennis racquet to a soccer game. I never really learnt about time management, about keeping up to date or about learning to ask for help. I have no doubt whatsoever that I could be a fantastic student, an Honours student, even a ‘top of the grade’ student. But unless I stop leaving every assessment piece til I’m too stressed out to actually answer things to the best of my potential knowledge, I’m not going to get there.
But is this me being held back by fear and depression? Or is the lethargy and reluctance I’m feeling right now a product of being on new drugs? Or, am I just a lazy bugger who will always always struggle with time management and deadlines??
And just as confusingly, I’ve found myself being a bit more aggressive in my recent netball games. I do feel it’s coinciding with new meds, but is aggression just a sign of having a renewed passion for life? Or is this persistent whisper of ‘mania’ in my ear a more serious warning?
I suppose time will tell. BUT, I completed as much reading and comprehension as I think a girl can manage in one night. That’s at least something.