‘Ray!! So my ‘Roma’ (psychiatrist) has doubled my dose. As of Tuesday. Hopefully I will start being normal productive me sometime soon. But uni is really, really suffering. And the worst bit is that I KNOW I understand the content, and I know I can be annoyingly smart. I don’t think I would have passed as much uni as I have had I not been… but I just can’t muster the motivation to do it. It all just seems like such an uphill battle. One of the options is to withdraw from a few units and try again next year… but that idea is so distasteful to me. I’m already a 5th year student!!! I NEED MONEY, I NEED A NEW CAR, I NEED TO MOVE OUT!!!
I haven’t been as good with sharing this blog recently… had a bit of writers’ block as well I suppose. But I was talking to a dear friend who… actually she said something that few people say that actually means a lot I think to people with mental illness. I was worried that my blog would upset her, and she said ‘of course it upsets me to see one of my friends is having to go through one of these tough times’. Bingo. Bullseye. Snap. Sometimes just hearing that someone else is sorry, actually sorry that you are dealing with this is enough. Because somehow, those sort of words both acknowledge your hardship and support you in trying to deal with them. I hope that makes sense. Because it just rang true as soon as she said it.
Also… being the little pocket rocket of wisdom that she is (but perhaps doesn’t realise it) she was saying how it was good that I’m starting to know my own triggers and flaws that put me in a bad place, so that I can start to say to myself – “Hang on a minute, I’m not willing to do that to myself. I don’t deserve to feel upset tonight and that’s all it will do.” She put it so eloquently that I had to copy it word for word, hope she doesn’t mind. 😉
But it got me thinking. It’s a weird sort of thing, dealing with mental illness, cause it’s kind of like your brain is feeding you false and nasty information. Generally the best recommendations for depression is a course of medications and sessions with a psychologist, who like ‘Sria’ has for me, starts to deconstruct all those thoughts and teaches you to rationalise those thoughts. But it essentially means that one of the ways that you help a ‘crazy person’ is by teaching them… to talk to themselves. haha! It seems a bit ironic, but there’s a lot of truth to it.
So the lessons to take away from the end of today’s class, kiddies? In my case, the best way for someone to approach me to try and help me is to empathise and rationalise thoughts; things like ‘I’m sorry you’re going through this’ and ‘Do you think those thoughts are borne of reality or fed from your depression?’ Also, and I haven’t mentioned this before, if prayer is your thing I would so love to be included in your prayers. And if prayers’ not your thing, the ‘Hayley desperately needs to move out/hire a motivator’ fund could use some help. haha. Just kidding. But seriously. 😉