In the interests of journaling my progress as I seek the best treatment for myself, I think I need to get this weird contrast of feelings out of my head and on to paper. Last night I just wrote. I wrote and rambled and repeated myself. But then, that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest – on days gone by where I’d forgotten to take my pill in the morning I’d had similar, almost manic symptoms. As bad as it is, I have to admit I kind of enjoy it. Even my boyfriend mentioned that seeing me so happy and bubbly was not a bad thing… but alas it’s merely a symptom of drug withdrawal and not any indication of the ‘real me’.
Today is day two off Cymbalta, but with the added dimensions of my first night of Valdoxan. I really, really didn’t want to take it though. Stupidly, reading reviews on the horror stories of people using it before popping it for the first time probably didn’t help. But I did, and given that insomnia is often experienced after taking it for the first few days, I had my little box of Valium sitting and a glass of water beside the bed. But within about half an hour, I got this really heavy feeling in my legs and lower body and drifted soundly off to sleep. The only problem? I’ve woken up feeling just as heavy and lethargic. It seems like such a huge contrast to how I was feeling yesterday; from feeling in a rush, with a light sweat on my brow, and words flowing like wine at a wedding to right now. I’ve been sitting writing this post for a an hour and a half now. I’ve read reviews and stories of people feeling like a zombie, or wishing for the feelings that had them diagnosed in the first place because drugs wiped them clean of feelings altogether. I’m scared to not feel anything. I’m scared that this lethargy is the start of that. I’m scared that this response from my body is just further proof that I’m ‘not really sick’. And reading reviews again now it doesn’t seem like a common reaction… I don’t know. I’m sure I’m overthinking this.
But the positive thing is that I have no real emotional turmoil at the moment, and I have an exciting outing to look forward to tonight. My biggest fear is that I’ll collapse with exhaustion tonight.
This is all just so messy!!