Just me again

Well. I think I might have to start writing this blog again. I’m starting to suspect that all my ‘treatment’ up til this point has been a bandaid solution on a open wound.

But to be honest, it all feels rather pointless. If this were ‘The Sims’, I would decide my character was beyond redemption and so I’d place them in a ladder-less pool and create a new sim from scratch. But real life isn’t a computer game. You can’t go back to a previously saved point. I am who I am, along with all the consequences of being the kind of person I never wanted to be. That really sucks. If I was at all brave, I think I would have ended this long ago.

And now, after finding that I can’t trust the person I’ve been spilling my guts to the last five years, I have to find the motivation to search for a new psych. And at the same time, I need to somehow decide whether I can move out of home, whether Leo and I can and should make a serious long term commitment.

I’m just so lost. There’s probably a life jacket over the next breaking wave, but it seems to me to be much more likely that I’ll keep floating on or sink.

Like I said. I’m not brave enough. But right now, I can completely understand how people can come to the conclusion that their loved ones (and their entire community) might be better off without them.

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Being brave/stupid

Oh dear.  It’s been a while, and I’m embarrassed.  Recently I read through my old LJ account and wanted to punch teenage me in the face – so self obsessed, and I was so convinced I wasn’t one of ‘those’ kinds of teenagers.  But today I’ve reread some of my posts here, posts that I promised myself would be more sophisticated, more articulate and less angsty.  Well, that was an epic fail.  I’m sure future Hayley will read this post and be equally as embarrassed.  

Hey future Hayley, sorry.. but don’t be so hard on yourself.  You were doing the best you could at the time!

But I’m writing here now as a way to procrastinate from writing another blog entry.  I think I’ve decided to go public.  I don’t know whether this is a good idea or not.  In fact, having had a word with a wonderful friend, I think she’s right in that I need to wait until I can stand tall and say that I don’t care what responses I get.  I need to wait until I know that I’m strong enough to put up with both the positive and the negative comments…

But it’s going to have to happen sometime

Just another night

‘Just think, it’s one less night to wait’

I’m going through that sucky phase – when your heart is yearning to be independent, to have your own space that you can share with the person you live, but your reasonable, rational side knows that you’re not there yet. You dont have the money, you shouldnt make a big commitment just yet or even acknowledging that you don’t yet have the life skills to make it work. A heap of my friends have recently married or become engaged. Which then makes it even suckier when the inevitable ‘so have you guys thought about moving out/have you been looking at houses/will there be wedding bells anytime soon?’ questions come up.

My Leo is a great guy, funny, intelligent and interested in life, and I know he genuinely loves me. But a wordsmith he is not. Neither am I for the most part. But tonight, when I was lamenting still having to go home to a cold empty bed after 6 years, he said ‘just think, it’s one less night to wait’. I needed to write it down, because it made me tear up. Leo’s words rarely have that effect on me!

Thinking about it later, I got a bit philosophical. Maybe that’s what keeps us all going – every night gone is one day closer to moving in with someone, getting a better job, fulfilling something our heart yearns for. I wish I could go to bed every night thinking of all the things I’ve achieved in the day past. But right now, what’s driving me is the idea that each day is one day closer. And I’m ok with that.

Something about something

I don’t know how to write this post.  All I know is that I’m doing myself damage, seeing all the names and faces on Facebook and feeling desperately alone.

Sometimes it’s hard to untangle emotions, and whether the threads lead back to your depression or back to the heart of who you are.  I woke up this morning feeling like nothing, like I wanted to fade away.  I’m struggling to figure out why exactly, but it seems likely that I’m doing the same old thing I’ve always done.  I don’t have an outline of who I want to be, or what I should measure myself against and as I result I measure my whole world against everyone else.  So when I saw cute messages between a friend and her fiance, messages from another friend about her wedding, And on top of that, I have to see a number of people today who remind me of when I have been at my worst.  People who have made it clear that they don’t like me (because I post too passionately and irrationally on FB… yep) and other people who let me down when I needed them most, and therefore being part of the trigger that sent me into my first serious depressive episode.

I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to achieve by posting today… I think I just need to write and not stew. I’m not all I hoped I would be; I’m not as mature, or as strong, as secure or as in love as I thought I would be at age 23.  I don’t have real set goals or plans, or even any small steps forward, like buying a house, moving out or getting engaged, that I have to look forward to.  I feel flat, like everyone around who are doing all these things are sitting back and judging me.  But perhaps the only one who is really judging me is… well… me.

I have this cool app on Facebook, called ‘God wants you to know’.  Every few days I get a message of support, and today’s was titled ‘ no one can make you feel inferior without your consent ‘.  

The message went like this – You have to agree that you are less and that someone else is more to feel inferior. If you don’t agree, you can not possibly feel inferior. You might know something less, or you might be able to do something less, but you ARE unique and hence simply incomparable. Do not buy into being reduced to an object of comparison.

It’s pretty safe to say that I’m feeling inferior today.  And that I’ll be the only one thinking about that today – I think its pretty likely that the people I have to see today won’t even be thinking twice about me.  I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I don’t know how to pull myself out either.  How do you build a framework for yourself where you’ve never really had one before?  How do I determine whether I’m where I want to be, whether I’m happy, whether I’m satisfied when I’ve lived my whole life using everyone else as a guideline?

I’m so worried I won’t hold it together today. 

Learning me

I’m a useless blogger on the good times, which is why it’s actually not a bad thing that I haven’t blogged in months.

Pills can help, perhaps they are best for allowing you the brain space to actually analyze the world and the way you interact with it in a rational way. Getting that time to assess what lifts you up, what makes you happy and helps you focus on those things. But I also believe it allows you to consider what triggers you and the importance of working through that.

My family life is good, but not perfect. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly blessed. I’ve grown up wanting for nothing, in a nice house in a good neighborhood. I haven’t had everything bought for me, I’ve had to learn to save up for things and value money and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But, no duh Hayley, money and security aren’t what defines a persons life.

The truth is, my relationship with my father has never been right. My parents had to use a sperm donor to conceive, but I’m not convinced the problems started after they told me he wasn’t biologically related to me. My family, particularly my paternal grandmother often tell me he was smitten with me as a child. That he’d come home from work and spend the rest of the evening with me. I remember him reading us books, and making stupid dad jokes and embarrassing us. But I have never been ‘daddy’s little girl’ – I don’t ever recall feeling like he was my protector, my role model or my guide as to what I should be looking for in men. In fact, I’ve actively tried to find men who are not like him. Frustratingly, Leo is far more like him than I would like.

He said that he was proud of me, about 2 months ago. It was the most fatherly thing I think I’ve heard him say… Possibly ever. But even when he has tried to be ‘fatherly’, it all feels a bit too little, too late.

I don’t believe that a father should swear at his child, but that seems to be a regular occurrence when we argue. In the past, just a few harsh words and his anger would have been enough to send me into meltdown. Running into my room to hide under the covers, feeling like I would rather be anywhere. Maybe even dead.

Perhaps my biggest secret, is that I don’t think I want him to walk me down the aisle, if that ever happens. It would feel so fake, so fraudulent. My life, all safe and secure, is really such a mess that I’m not sure which way is up and which way’s down.

Tonight, another little tiff. Swearing. But I didn’t go into meltdown. But I know I could have. There’s so much there that I know needs to be worked on, but do I even want to?

I guess the point is, something’s gotta give. Either I let this always be a trigger, or I make a change. Either I get the issue fixed, or at the very least I learn to stop it eating my brain away when it happens.

I need a typewriter in my head – I have so much that flows and pulses in my mind, stewing away.  And the moment I have enough time to sit down and let it all out, it’s gone.  I’ve made myself too busy too fast, feeling burnt out and flat.  But right now, I feel its infinitely better to be busy and not have time to stop and mull.  There’s so much in this world to be angsty and frustrated with, even if it doesn’t directly relate to you.

It’s so easy to get caught up in negativity. The world is full of trials and obstacles. But one thing I’ve learnt in the last year is that nothing is as uplifting or important as the friendship of people who love you. Cherish those around you; they’re more valuable than any other treasure this world has to offer.

HappySeptember

This post is for a dearly beloved friend of mine. She knows who she is, but sometimes she doesn’t know that she is beautiful.

Not sexy or glamorous or attractive. I mean beautiful. In her soul.

I first met this young woman in science class at high school. I had come fresh out of Catholic primary school, where I had become accustomed to being different from other children, and I had prepared myself for several more years of the same. But this young woman made me laugh. She cracked jokes, she talked to me, she liked me for who I was.

She shared her chips with me at lunchtime.

She watched the magpies with me.

We were in special maths class together.

Even when I moved away to the other side of the world, and we gradually grew up, I still felt like this young woman was a beautiful person in…

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